Soapbox

Running with Scissors Party

BoundI am thinking about starting a new political party, the Running-with-Scissors Party.  The first plank in our platform will be that everyone has a right to run with scissors, and to reap the rewards of that activity. I’m talking about tort reform (cutting desserts into different shapes and sizes). I think we should all have both a right and a responsibility to live our lives with common sense, and to expect the world to try and kill us.  And why not?  The world has been trying to kill us all since the beginning of life on this planet. Why would anyone assume any place or situation was safe? So pay attention and take responsibility.

I think we should never try to make it illegal for you to run with scissors, though we might want to make it illegal for your survivors to sue the scissor company. We hold these truths to be self-evident, coffee is hot, drinking beer does not guarantee there will be beautiful women in your life, you shouldn’t keep your baby in a large piece of tupperware, and if you break into someone’s house at night they might shoot you.

Don’t get me wrong.  If you build tiger traps disguised as skateboard ramps in your front yard (hilarious youtube videos about to happen), then you should expect to get sued. But if someone taking a shortcut through your back yard trips over a tree root, outside, under a tree, they should have been more careful.

But wait, there’s more. If elected, we will take down all the guard rails. The world gets a little more exhilarating, and texting while driving slowly dwindles away.

So, stop suing each other, pay an I-do-crazy-things rider on your medical insurance, and go out there and live with gusto. Success or failure, it is always, and I mean always, your own damn fault. Own it.

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